Merv Griffin is dead to me

My episode of Merv Griffin's Crosswords aired today, so now, I am no longer contractually obligated to keep the results a secret.

SPOILER ALERT!
I was the biggest loser. All I got out of this show was the promise of a cheap looking Croton watch with the Merv Griffin's Crosswords logo on it. Oh, wait. It's a custom Croton watch that I'll never wear. I don't wear watches. I wear a cell phone. It hasn't even arrived yet, ten weeks later. Yet, after I and the three other contestants lost to "Steve," we all immediately started focusing on the watch. When do we get our watch? How much are they selling for on eBay?

But I was excited to be on TV. You know, my 22 minutes of Hollywood fame. I checked and double checked my TiVo to make sure it was all set to record while I was at work. I told everyone what day and time it was airing. I fiendishly kept my friends in the dark about the outcome. To my glee, TiVo did not fail me. But as I watched the show, imagine the horror when I saw that I'd been covered up by a news crawl. I've been upstaged by a dang weather report. I don't mean to be vain, but a news crawl on my face is just not my best look. And look closely. I'm the only contestant who got covered up. It's a conspiracy, I tell you! And it's not even a major storm. Come on, Bay Area. So it's going to rain tomorrow. Big deal. Is that really worth putting a weather crawl right over my face? Aren't news crawls supposed to be at the bottom of the screen?

I didn't win squat, but I also didn't make a total idiot of myself. From the clues I flubbed, it's now forever established that I don't know anything about golf clubs, military formations (wedge) or French pirates (Jean Lefitte). But dammit, I was the only one on the stage that knew of the Hanna Barbera cartoon character, the Grape Ape. I can live with that.

If you were watching at home, you should notice that I did buzz in quickly all through the third round, but the guy who won didn't give us any chance. Steve was on fire. I even started buzzing in when I had no clue what the answer was, just so it would look like I knew. Why am I admitting that?

I knew Steve was going to win. Moments before we went on the set, someone asked him if he'd been on any game shows before. He'd been coy all day, but now admitted he'd been on Jeopardy, Win Ben Stein's Money and some other show I can't remember. Getting on Jeopardy is hardcore. I knew I was a goner.

That's why I bet all my money, $1,750, when I did get to the front row and got one of the Crossword Extras. That's a clue where only I got to answer and I had to choose my bet. I figured I wouldn't be up there for long, so I might as well try to double the pot so someone would get more winnings. But I lost it all on Jean Lefitte. Who knows that? People who read?

And I didn't appreciate how host Ty Treadway then explained how Lefitte was a pirate who fought in the Battle of New Orleans like he really knew that. When Trebek smugly explains an answer, I believe he actually knew it. Treadway? I'm not buying it, pretty boy.

And another thing, what kind of cheap game show only gives an average of about $6000 to the one winner in every show? Everyone else gets the watch. Oh, and the winner might get a trip, but only to destinations like Cancún and Palm Springs. And they never say "you and your guest will travel to..." I have a hunch it's really a trip for only one person.

But I'm not bitter. It was a fun experience. The lunch buffet was good. I got to be on TV. Well, at least my torso got to be on TV. And might I say, my torso looked fantastic. Maybe my torso will get an agent.