An Audition

I went to an audition in San Francisco last week. It's for a movie trailer that is being made for the Frameline gay film festival. They'll show this clip before all of the movies. They're doing a take-off on Jeopardy, and what with all my game show experience, in a Merv Griffin game show, no less, I figured I was perfect for the role (that, and the fact that I'm a 'mo). The trailer will be seen by all the fancy gays in town, so I thought it might be good exposure. But here's the rub. I don't know how to audition. And worse, I don't really know how to act. I know," I told myself, "I'll just act like I'm an actor."

The first problem was that the announcement said they were looking for people with improv skills. I figured that since I love "The Office" and have watched a lot of "Whose line is it anyway?" I could fake it. But then I checked out a website about improv skills, and I realized I was running the risk of making a real ass out of myself. The whole audition could have been someone barking out random improv games that would mean nothing to me. "Ready? OK, Bippety Bop. Go!"

The fact that I recently enrolled in a beginning improv class at ComedySportz in San Jose was not going to help me--especially since the first class wasn't until this Monday.

I went into the audition in an industrial area of San Francisco, and they handed me a script. I went in with two other people who would be the other two would-be contestants.

One of the producers was reading for Alex Trebek. But first, the casting lady asked us to all give her a profile. And she started with me. And I had no idea what she meant by "profile." As I was ready to launch into an extemporaneous autobiographical profile (I was born in Walnut Creek, the third son...), she saw my hesitation and said, "Just turn to your right for the camera. Good. And now to your left. Good."

One of the auditioning guys then said, "I guess this might be a good time to tell you I was actually on Wheel of Fortune and won a trip to Aruba and a bunch of cash." The producers all reacted with interest. So naturally, I interjected, "And I was on Merv Griffin's Crosswords." "What did YOU win?" "This tacky watch" which I had decided to wear for this occasion, just in case this topic came up. So, that guy could have been blowing smoke, but I had evidence that I lost spectacularly on a Merv Griffin game show.

And then we start with the script. I nailed my first line. "Rubber for $200, Alex." But then, my next line was on the second page, and I missed it. Awkward pause. I apologized and said my line. After the scene, I explained that, "you see, Alex always says the person's name after they buzz in. You might want to add that." So, now I'm not only clueless, I'm an asshole.

Then they go into the improv part of the audition, which lucky for me, wasn't anything that required any specific improv knowledge. "Alex" just asked us each a get-to-know you question, and we were supposed to come up with something witty on the spot. My intro question was something like this, "I understand you and your partner are into natural foods and when you met it was something like a Reeses peanut butter connection, but you were carrying a jar of organic, hypoallergenic, macademia nut butter , and he was carrying a carob bar grown on a sustainable, free-trade cooperative farm." What my answer was: "That's right, Alex. On our first date, we went to the natural foods store and had a organic food orgy. It was fantastic!" What my answer would have been if I were little faster on my feet: "That's right, Alex. And then it was back to my place where we had an all-night session of multiple organics."

Unless they're still deliberating, I didn't get the part.