Top ten ways to move down a notch on the Respect-o-Meter

10. Invite me to the Holiday Inn to hear an inspiring presentation from your new "friend."

9. When I decline, try to sell me your "friend's" water purification system anyway.

8. Forward me an email that says I'm a total ass if I don't send it to 20 of my friends.

7. Don't tip.

6. Own a Hummer.

5. Send me an email about a missing child, Bill Gates and AOL giving away money, lead in lipstick, or a terminally ill young poet before checking its veracity on snopes.com.

4. Ask me if I "know" Jesus.

3. Litter.

2. Don't vote.

1. Start a sentence with "I heard on Fox News that..."

Have you seen me?

Attention would-be inventors: I've got an invention for you. Just take it. Patent it. Make a bazillion dollars. Just get it to market soon. The world needs a TV remote that beeps when you call it. More importantly, I need it...stat. It could be a clap-on, clap-off deal, or just a button on the TV that you push when the damn thing is lost and the remote beeps. Cordless phones already have it. What kind of cruel sadist in the home electronics world is keeping this technology from reaching the market? If it's already there, somebody, please, throw me a line!

Why don't I just patent the idea myself? Because I'm too busy looking for my damn remote. I don't know how this happens time and time again. It crawls deep underneath the bed. It hides between two pillows. It sneaks to the bottom of a box of Cheerios. A few days ago, I shit you not, I was looking for my remote for five minutes before I realized it was actually in my hand. In my hand!

And when our TiVo remote is lost, it means we literally can't change the channel. We're stuck watching the last channel we had it on, or one of the shows TiVo chooses to record for us. TiVo and I have been together for three years now, but sometimes I think TiVo just doesn't know me at all. Really, TiVo, Dora the Explorer? The Spanish version? What on earth did I watch to lead you believe I'd want to watch that show?

Alas, Robert did find the TiVo remote today. In a bizarre twist, it was actually in the remote control caddy, that tacky plastic contraption that spins around, holds up to six remotes and sports a picture frame on each of the four sides--because who doesn't want to see cherished family portraits as they're spinning around their remote caddy, trying to remember which one works the DVD player?

Happy Birthday, President Lincoln

Like all good Americans, I'm at home today, celebrating the birthday of, perhaps, our greatest president. What? You're a good American and you don't have the day off?

Okay, so my employer is the only one I know of that still closes shop on Lincoln's birthday and Presidents Day. Even the descendants of Lincoln himself are toiling away today.

And fine, I'm not really celebrating--I'm watching, perhaps, one of our greatest American movies on AMC, The Three Amigos, of course. But now I'm feeling a little guilty about that. So, I think I'll pick up my copy of Sarah Vowell's Assasination Vacation, which I never finished, and learn a little something about Lincoln. Vowell, a history buff, chronicled her tour of all the key sites related to Lincoln's assassination.

I don't see a thing about Lincoln's birthday in the newspaper or CNN.com. Regis and Kelly were apparently too busy yammering on about a weekend trek to The Hamptons to honor the man today.

But, as I sit here, the three amigos are now realizing their calling is to free the villagers of Santo Poco from the infamous El Guapo, and I see that watching this movie is, in a very weak sense, an homage to Honest Abe. The battle to liberate an oppressed people.

Barack Obama invoked Lincoln liberally as he threw his stovepipe hat into the presidential ring over the weekend: "He had his doubts. He had his defeats. He had his setbacks, but through his will and his words, he moved a nation and helped free a people." Just like the three amigos, I'd have added.

As for Obama, he's my top choice so far. For a presidential candidate, he's great on gay issues. The one sticking point is marriage equality. While he supports civil unions and a state's right to make their own decision, he allows his personal religious beliefs to define his policy position: "I'm a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman."

If a candidate said something like that in a local race in California, my vote would likely go to someone else. In fact, newly elected San Jose mayor Chuck Reed said almost exactly that in a candidate forum at the DeFrank LGBT Community Center.

But I am a realist. I understand that our puritanical country is far from ready to elect a presidential candidate who advocates marriage equality.

Furthermore, I am far more interested in how a candidate views the war and America's standing in the world. On Iraq, Obama took a politically risky, but wise position way before it was popular to do so.

Here are Obama's prescient words from 2002:

But I also know that Saddam poses no imminent and direct threat to the United States, or to his neighbors...and that in concert with the international community he can be contained until, in the way of all petty dictators, he falls away into the dustbin of history.

I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a U.S. occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences.

I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East, and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world, and strengthen the recruitment arm of al-Qaeda.

I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars. So for those of us who seek a more just and secure world for our children, let us send a clear message to the president.

That's the way I was thinking in 2002 as well. And it's why I can't get excited about Hillary Clinton. She was wrong on what was probably the most important decision of her life. Yes, she got really bad information from the Administration. But like other Clintons, she has a tendency to take the politically expedient route. Now she has finally acknowledged that if she knew then what she knows now, she would not have voted to give the president the authority to invade Iraq.

If she wins the primary, I'll decide how she measures up against her Republican opponent. I may even work hard to help her get elected (like many of us did in 2004 for Kerry).

Sarah Vowell got a kick out of a zinger from Lincoln's second inaugural address. After the bloodshed of the Civil War, Lincoln said, "It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces; but let us judge not that we be not judged."

Great orators from Illinois who hate war. Today, I salute you.

Video, at long last

Blurry video, but video nonetheless. Here's a clip from my comedy set last Tuesday at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale. Thanks again to everyone who showed up!

Well, that went well

My gig at Rooster T. Feathers last night was all that I could have hoped for. I count exactly 50 people who came to the show just to see me. Co-workers, my partner's co-workers, lots of our gay friends. Pretty damn good. Somewhere in the South Bay, there was an empty gay bar. Well, actually, all the gay bars in the South Bay are pretty much empty on a Wednesday night.

Thank you to everyone who showed up!

Because I had packed the house, I got to go up right before the headliner, a great place to be. My peeps were ready to laugh. I had a great set, partly thanks to the cutie straight guy, Danny, sitting in the front row. He was a great sport when I offered to introduce him to my gay world. Danny, if you're listening, call me.

If you missed it, you have another chance coming up. I'll be back at Rooster T. Feathers on March 21 for the club's annual comedy competition. If you go, you get to vote for your favorite comic to go on to the next round (that would be me). The show starts promptly at 8 p.m. Don't be late. The order of comedians will be randomly selected that night. And this is important: reserve your tickets now by calling 408-736-0921. The show will likely sell out--hopefully by my fans. Yes, it's all about me. But I've seen the lineup and there are some funny comedians scheduled.