Boycotts of America

Fifty years after Rosa Parks ignited the civil rights movement in Montgomery, the governor of Alabama has called for another boycott. Not of Microsoft or Wal-Mart, but of a much smaller, feckless entity, the island of Aruba, because of its government's lack of action in the Natalee Holloway case.

While boycotts still can pack a punch, the Aruba boycott hasn't hurt tourism there, even though Bill O'Reilly has also boycotted the island. But his boycott list is so long, even the website Boycott Watch can't keep up. He's recently called for boycotts of Abercrombie & Fitch, Pepsi, Canada and anything from France, which apparently isn't an easy commitment to make. More than a year into it and Boycott Watch still hasn't figured out if Louis Vuitton is a French company.

No matter. The knock-offs you can actually afford are made in China anyway. Oh, but wait! We've got to boycott those too because terrorists make money on counterfeit goods. Drat. I guess we'll have to find some other reason to visit Bangkok.

I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they are boycotting. When I was single, I always thought that a Match.com profile should include a question about it. Imagine how many first dates end before they start because someone shows up wearing a fur or innocently orders a Coors.

I could screen a lot of people out based on what's on, or not on, their list. I think I could date someone who shops at Wal-Mart--I'm pretty sure my partner, Robert, does when I'm not looking--but I don't think I could look past a guy who pulled into an Exxon station. If he isn't bothered that the company doesn't offer domestic partnership benefits, he should at least be concerned about a company that thinks that the only problem with global warming is that people will need less heating oil.

If, on the other hand, someone refused to sleep on a Tempur-Pedic bed because the company sponsors Bill O'Reilly's radio show, they may be a little too politically correct for me. Ditto for someone who leaves his airplane pretzels uneaten because Eagle Brand is owned by Anheuser Busch, which also owns Sea World, which displays kidnapped dolphins for entertainment.

I probably have a longer list than most, but I'm hardly militant about it. I haven't knowingly eaten a Domino's pizza since I lived in a dormitory, but honestly, I have lost track of why. Something about political contributions to pro-war fetuses.

Did I neglect to see "War of the Worlds" because I thought Tom Cruise had become such a nut or were we just too busy to get to the theater? While I haven't seen a Mel Gibson movie since he made homophobic comments to a Spanish newspaper in 1992, I wouldn't cross you off my Christmas list if you still like the guy.

Some groups force me to boycott because I'm restricted from using their services anyway. Include on that list eHarmony (which doesn't do same-sex match ups), Westboro Baptist Church and the Boy Scouts of America. Hey, you can't ban me. I ban you!

I don't really miss any of the products I'm boycotting. Some of them certainly don't miss me either. I never spent any money at Abercrombie and Fitch, but after they were sued for discriminating against Asian employees and printing up racially insensitive T-shirts, I deliberately don't spend money there.

Does it count as a boycott if I never purchased their products in the first place? For the record, I'm also boycotting African diamonds, crack cocaine and anti-ballistic missiles systems.

While my boycotts are mostly for my own sense of good karma, big corporations are keenly aware of how a large-scale boycott can affect the bottom line. Wal-Mart reacted quickly after the Catholic League called for a boycott a couple of weeks ago. They were offended by the response from a customer service representative who tried to explain the reason why the store greets shoppers with "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas." Within a day of the boycott announcement, the representative was summarily canned.

No doubt there's a PR intern at Wal-Mart headquarters whose job it is every morning to google the words "boycott" and "Wal-Mart." Nothing to see here, newbie. Move on to the next hit. Go on. Shoo!

You don't have to worry about me. I can't even keep Robert from shopping in your lousy store.