Ancient Chinese Secret

My mom is here tonight with some of her nursing colleagues. They're going to a training tomorrow here in town. Right now they're talking about some patient's anus and something about a colostomy. I'm trying desperately to tune it out.

We went out to PF Chang's for dinner. When the group said they wanted Chinese food, I figured they would all prefer one that serves Chinese food intended for the non-Chinese gourmand. We've got plenty of authentic Chinese restaurants around here. Although the Americanized version really does appeal to my non-Chinese palate, I tend to choose restaurants that have specials scrawled in Chinese on pink paper taped to the walls and actual Chinese diners.

Last night, Robert and I went to another "Chinese" restaurant, the Mandarin Gourmet. We craved Chinese food and weren't in a part of town where we could actually get some of the real stuff. I've eaten there before with work colleagues, and warned Robert, who is Filipino, that patrons might mistake him for a waiter since I rarely see any Asians eating there. I doubt you could find a chicken claw or a baby bok choi anywhere in that building outside of some waiter's own lunch bag.

But the non-Asian folks eat it up. The lobby has several awards from mainstream newspapers hanging from the wall in the foyer. Readers of the San Jose Mercury News voted it the best Chinese Restaurant in Silicon Valley in 2002.

This kind of award usually scares me off. That people voted for this restaurant more than any other only means that a majority of Merc readers like Americanized, sugary, deep-fried quasi-Chinese food. I'm sure this readers' poll also chose the Olive Garden for best Italian food and Chevy's for the best Mexican food.

It's the same kind of mass appeal that gave us the likes of John Kerry: safe, but as bland as plain yogurt. I look out for more of a "Dennis Kucinich" type of restaurant, a joint that appeals only to a select, discerning few.

I wonder how many Mandarin Gourmet patrons think they're oh-so-cosmopolitan and hip to enjoy this authentic Chinese experience and can even pick up a honey walnut prawn with chopsticks, not realizing that it's all a toned-down show, like an Epcot Center re-creation, designed for people who probably would turn their nose at what Chinese folks actually eat.

Mandarin Gourmet carries the charade so far as to include the Chinese characters next to each menu item. Or at least, that's what they'd like us to think. I have a feeling these characters are actually secret messages for the few Chinese folks who wander in unaware. The characters next to "Sweet and Sour Pork" probably mean "Avoid this Sticky, Gooey Mess" and the translation for "Cashew Chicken" is "If your non-Chinese friends brought you here to show how eclectic they are, just try to choke this dish down smile. It'll be over soon." I hear they can get a lot into those little characters.

Mom brought birthday gifts for Robert and me. Robert got his very own Westinghouse SweepEze Vacuuming Dustpan. I'm thrilled.

Note: I probably won't be updating the blog this week. Robert and I are heading for Kauai on Monday. And then later in February, there's a good chance I'll be spending three weeks in New Orleans to provide communications assistance for a coalition of several California water agencies that will help the local water agency restore service.