Holiday gatherings are not just an opportunity to spend cherished time with family. They are also a learning experience if you keep your eyes and ears open. Here’s what I picked up at our family Christmas gathering:
1. Amazon and UPS do not yet have a system to alert you to the fact that your dad ordered the exact same Westinghouse SweepEze Vacuuming Dustpan you ordered for your mother.
2. A wine glass is incapable of surviving a fall of three feet onto a ceramic tile floor.
3. The fact that a wine glass belonged to your deceased grandmother affords it no protective properties.
4. Shards of glass on a ceramic tile floor can be invisible to the naked eye.
5. The Westinghouse SweepEze Vacuuming Dustpan, while quite effective, emits a shrill noise similar to that of a jet engine.
6. The “live” in “live Christmas tree” refers to more than just the evergreen.
7. In less than a week, a colony of ants is quite capable of spreading more than 30 feet from its starting point, even across carpet.
8. It is not possible for an 80-pound dog to fit through a cat door.
9. A two-year-old child has an unhealthy fascination with open wounds on a dog’s neck.
10. A Henckels knife is a mediocre imitation of the true Cadillac of kitchen knives, the Wüsthof-Trident.
11. It’s best to refrain from denigrating any product or service until all the Christmas gifts have been opened.
12. Correction to #10: Henckels knives are of superb quality and a proud addition to any gourmet kitchen.
13. You can get a slow, comfortable screw up against the wall for about five bucks at the Yreka Elks Lodge, provided you are an Elk.
14. Apparently, a Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall is a drink made up of equal parts sloe gin, Southern Comfort, Vodka and Galliano, mixed with orange juice.
15. The average toilet seat has fewer germs than the average kitchen sink.
16. Studies have shown that a pick-up with the tailgate up gets better mileage than one with the tailgate down.
17. Grenache is a grape variety, not a region of France.
18. DISH TV remote controls were not made with 80-year-olds in mind.
19. Had Green Bay beat Chicago on Christmas Day, New Orleans would have had a better first-round draft pick, giving them a shot at USC quarterback, Matt Leinart, which would have helped the Saints overcome the inconsistency of Aaron Brooks.
20. OK, I had to look that last one up. I only really grasped one thing from that conversation with second-cousin-in-law Chris: New Orleans still has a football team.
21. Two-year-olds, due to growth spurts, have poor balance.
22. The seat of an armchair is approximately the same height as a two-year-old child’s cheekbone.
23. The scream of a two-year-old child has about the same frequency and amplitude as a Westinghouse SweepEze Vacuuming Dustpan.
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3 comments:
I just have to say, that was hilarious. Yes, you learn a lot from 2 year olds. Funny, Love ya Marty. Glad you made it home okay. Say hello to Robert for us. Love Kelli, the mother of that 2 year old...hahahahaha
Hi Kelli,
I'm glad you were amused, and I hope Ryan's bruise heals quickly.
KATHI! You found me! It's great to hear from you.
Yes, my folks are still in Etna. I thought of you as we passed by your old house, as always. Nothing much has changed--except someone is preparing to log the mountains across from our house. That view, for many years, formed the backdrop of so many family photos. Our huge picture window in the living room was like our own Thomas Kinkade oil painting. Now the mountain has been marred with dirt roads. Soon, most of the trees will be gone. It really saddens me so I try not to think about it too much.
Hey, e-mail me an update.
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